AGRI Biz

  Yesterday, my son wanted to go to the Dairy Queen. Since I’m trying to eat healthy, I inquired about the selections they had that didn’t resemble candy. The girl offered me a chocolate covered banana. I said, “That’s it? Don't you have a more phallic desert?” Obviously not. So when she handed the treat my way, one thing crossed my mind: I’ll have to hold this in a way that makes me look like ...

Some people like dogs. Some people only like big dogs. I don’t blame them. Big dogs are real dogs—a man’s dog. They eat a man-sized meal and take a man-sized crap. They can down a steak in one gulp and leave you a gift the size of a baseball glove when you screw up. Boston took one hell of a dookie on the Philadelphia Phillies. The pinstriped NL Pennant champs returned to the ...

The Phils were desperate for one of two things before they left San Francisco: a win or a day off. They got both—just in time to settle down for a nine inning nap. After last night’s 9-1 slaughter by the Mets, Charlie took the podium. Usually he recites the team stats, but last night he shifted his hat with a nervous smile and said, “Hey, does anyone have the phone number ...

    This morning I chased a rogue eyebrow hair for 46 tries. Then I opened the patio door and threw my cheap tweezers as far into the woods as I could. Now I know why people pay $10 for a pair of tweezers. Nothing is more frustrating than something getting the best of you. Ask little Davey Herndon. Herndon was stellar from the bullpen this season until that fateful April 16th against the Marlins. ...

As I sit here gazing at my complimentary Phillie of the Month calendar, a problem occurs to me: they’re all fully dressed. What happened to equal opportunity, women’s liberation, and all the hints I sent last year? My husband buys a subscription to a crappy car magazine and gets a calendar with Marisa Miller scantily clad in a dozen seasonal plunge bras. I spend hundreds on a season ticket package and ...

When the Phils lose, don’t get down. I’ve found that a really fun way to pass the time is to go to the pet shop, find a big cage of mice, and watch them fight for position on their wheel. Seriously. It’s hysterical. It doesn’t even take mind-altering drugs to enjoy a curious mouse getting damn near decapitated by an ambitious team on a wheel. But don’t watch if an employee ...

There was a heavy fog in the valley this morning as I drove to the coffee shop. But the stale mist that had settled in Citizens Bank Park for the last two games lifted long before thatùat 7:57 Monday night to be exact. And just like this morning, the stars shone bright in an atmosphere of great clarity. á One thing was certain. The home team came to win. á Admit it. How many ...

Last December, my little nephew had a speech impediment and a very specific list. A total boy and a Toy Story fan since birth, he spouted his Christmas wish as only he could: á ôI want a big fruck anÆ Woody.ö á Okay, maybe thatÆs not funny. á Maybe thereÆs nothing funny about the 7-4 ninth-inning loss soured by a New York rally that yanked the turf out from under Citizens Bank Park. If you didnÆt ...

Cole Hamels took the mound with the poise and confidence of a rock star on a blind date. He sailed through the first inningùthree up, three down; beaned A-Rod with a pitch to staunch any intention he had of snuggling up to the plate, and then held the Yankees to one hit over three innings. á But the night snuck up on him like a light weight on cheap booze. And by ...

Not only does Cliff Lee compLEEte me, he pulled another compLEEte game out of his hat. His domination of the team with the best record in the majors, the most home runs, and the highest payroll was something out of a storybook. á Hey, they should act that out on Broadway. á Wait, they are. á The stories surrounding Game One of this seven game magic act included a woman who tried to trade her body ...